Ed Gungor – Fair Fighting.

#1 Ask yourself (when you’re ready to get into a fight) – does this really matter?
Fair fighting demands that you take time to assess if you really want to fight about this thing. Is it really worth fighting over?

So many times we get into fights about absolutely nothing! We all do it. In the end we really need to save ourselves the stress and just learn to let the little things go!

#2 If you decide it’s worth talking about (it’s hurting you, it’s pointing to an unmet need) – get your timing right. It will hurt the situation more then help it, if you’re in an emotional frenzy. The trick is to be smarter then your emotions.

I know that when you are mad you want to yell, scream and fight. All that is really going to accomplish is the both of you getting angrier! As hard as it is, I know I need to work on this. In finding a way to calm down and coming back to the argument later, when we can sit down and openly talk about what happened and why it is a big enough deal for us to be fighting about it.

#3 have a conversation not an argument. Find the right time and place to communicate. Start off the conversation by affirming your commitment to the relationship. Tell your spouse how much you love them, that you need them, how important the relationship is to you and that you value them. Carefully state your issue without placing blame on the other person.

It’s important not to make broad statements like “you never” and “you always”, because the other person will think about the one time they did do(or didn’t do) something you are saying they “never” or “always” do. It’s important to say how situations make you feel. The other person many not even know that what they are doing really hurts/upsets you, it’s just become a habit for them over time.

Don’t allow things to escalate into unfair fighting. Unfair fighting includes; #1 – the kitchen sink technique. One person brings up one issue, and the other person brings EVERYTHING else in to the argument. You have to stick to the issue at hand. #2 – mind ambush. You never let the other person be right. Don’t dismiss the other person’s feelings! #3 – mean clowning. One spouse is being completely sarcastic. #4 – playing psychologist. You quickly peg your spouse using psychobabble terms. #5 – bury the hatchet with the handle sticking out technique. They don’t really react when you do something, they’re stewing getting ready to explode…later. #6 – over talking. Monopolising the conversation so the other person cannot get a word in. Other don’t listen to what their spouse is saying, but just think about what they are going to say next. Others wander when they’re talking. They never come to the point!

I have a big problem with wondering in all my conversations! Just ask Seb.

#7 power playing. You “one up” the person, or have a passive aggressive attitude. #8 – roll playing. “I’m the man, I am the head of the house hold…” #9 – when the going gets tough the tough get going. You threaten to bail on the relationship if you don’t get your way. You talk about divorce, separation, suicide.

Listening to Ed Gungor [link] “Fair Fighting” March 22, 2009, if any of you are interested in checking it out. I have listened to a few of his podcasts about relationships, dating, and marriage. He has some pretty powerful things that he talks about and I am glad that I can share them all with you!

No matter what, you are going to fight with your partner. I think we all need to strive to fight fair!

God Bless